12.22-Sexual harassment, sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape.
12.22-
I wish to make only one primary point in hopes that it will stick and to make it succinct enough for this article to be read in full. As solutions are being sought and these vital matters are being discussed, the word “consent” is, understandably and appropriately, the word in the forefront. The line to be drawn in the sand. While determining whether or not there has been consent may be enough for settling legalities and forming policies, it is unfortunately not enough to insure that an individual has not been victimized.
Countless women and girls (and boys) consent to sexual advances they do not welcome or want and that scar them for a lifetime. Or sometimes they consent to one thing and get something completely and disturbingly different. They do so for the same reason I did. They feel enormously pressured, extremely unprotected, overpowered and, at times, utterly powerless. I well remember feeling something akin to paralysis. The word “no” was not even in my vocabulary. The boundaries around my life were bulldozed early and by a bully, I might add, because, while not all bullies are sexual predators, all sexual predators are, in one way or another, bullies. There was no manual within my reach about how to rebuild those crumbled boundaries.
I did, however, learn as God raised me up in strength and dignity and restored me. He accomplished these works through making me a student of His Word and of His gracious ways and through godly counsel and by making me a woman of fiery faith and ferocious prayer and confidence in Christ. All of these are unabashed graces of God and to His glory alone. Part of my work has been to help facilitate that process for others and it remains one of the greatest privileges of my life.
And here is one of the most important concepts I can teach them: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO TO UNWANTED SEXUAL ADVANCES. EXERCISE IT. Not a meek little whispery wispy “uh uh” but a full volume, confident, steel-strong “NO.” It’s not too late, no matter how old you are.
Parents, your part here is titanic. As you raise your children and teach them about the boundaries they get to draw around their lives, train them up with the confidence to use one of the most vital words in their entire vocabulary. And also teach them about how we can feel so pressured and overpowered, we feel like we can’t say no and how we can muster up the courage to get that reluctant term to bounce out of our mouths. This part is really really important: if and when you learn that harmful sexual advances were made on your child or loved one then come to find out there was “consent,” do not automatically assume consent is synonymous with welcome. Whatever you do, do not shame them. Help them. There won’t be a do-over on your initial reactions to their detrimental sexual experience. It will be hard for them to talk about so try to read what they are telling you by their behaviors and create a safe environment for them to communicate. Believe them as they slowly open up to you about what happened and show compassion and strength and facilitate whatever further help they may need. If there was legitimate welcome and consent, for crying out loud, still love your child and work through the complications. Don’t withhold physical affection from them like they’ve become a pariah unless they, for a while, don’t want you to touch them. Assure them over and over how loved and valued they are and teach them the life-giving concept of grace. You’re the adult. Don’t make your child parent you.
I wish tools like understanding (and expecting) pressures to give consent and like learning how to exercise the right to say no would solve everything. While these tools can have a strong impact in situations of harassment and less forceful unwanted sexual advances, they are often little to no help in a rape or assault. If you or someone you love suffer (or have suffered) such a torrential crime, please know there is help out there. There is healing to be had in Christ and much esteem, dignity and strength to be regained in Him. Boundaries can indeed be rebuilt around your life healthily that do not become a prison to your heart, perpetuating your pain and isolation.
I’ll conclude with this. Five minutes of stunningly selfish sexual pleasure can cost a victim a lifetime of suffering. Little can be more demoralizing and infuriating than the shoulder shrugging of victimizers and their sympathizers. “It wasn’t that bad.” Sometimes all we who have been victimized have left to say are the words of Christ from the cross. “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And sometimes that can be enough because, make no mistake. Nothing is more empowering than calling wrongdoing wrong, calling yourself loved of God and valued and, by the power invested in you as His child, forgiving those who don’t have a clue how much they hurt you.
Let’s keep this truth ever before us in these days of ever-surfacing evil: God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. God has no dark side.
Here are some principles in Scripture that apply to this topic I think from Jesus and other places in Scripture:
Don’t even look lustfully at a woman. Don’t objectify women.
Matthew 5.
27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; 28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye makes you [w]stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you [x]to lose one of the parts of your body, [y]than for your whole body to be thrown into [z]hell. 30 If your right hand makes you [aa]stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you [ab]to lose one of the parts of your body, [ac]than for your whole body to go into [ad]hell.
Job 31.
“I have made a covenant with my eyes; How then could I gaze at a virgin?
There is a power differential in older influencing younger.
There is a power differential in bosses and subordinates.
There is a power differential in those desperate to keep their jobs.
There is a certain work ethic that Jesus is training his disciples for
Matthew 24.
42 “Therefore be on the alert, for you do not know which day your Lord is coming. 43 But [af]be sure of this, that if the head of the house had known at what time of the night the thief was coming, he would have been on the alert and would not have allowed his house to be [ag]broken into. 44 For this reason you also must be ready; for the Son of Man is coming at an hour when you do not think He will.
45 “Who then is the faithful and sensible slave whom his [ah]master put in charge of his household to give them their food at the proper time? 46 Blessed is that slave whom his [ai]master finds so doing when he comes. 47 Truly I say to you that he will put him in charge of all his possessions. 48 But if that evil slave says in his heart, ‘My [aj]master [ak]is not coming for a long time,’ 49 and begins to beat his fellow slaves and eat and drink with drunkards; 50 the [al]master of that slave will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour which he does not know, 51 and will [am]cut him in pieces and [an]assign him a place with the hypocrites; in that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Seen also in
1 Timothy 6.
17 So this I say, and affirm together with the Lord, that you walk no longer just as the Gentiles also walk, in the futility of their mind, 18 being darkened in their understanding, [m]excluded from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the hardness of their heart; 19 and they, having become callous, have given themselves over to sensuality [n]for the practice of every kind of impurity with greediness. 20 But you did not learn [o]Christ in this way, 21 if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, 22 that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old [p]self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, 23 and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and put on the new [q]self, which [r]in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.
25 Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. 26 Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and do not give the devil [s]an opportunity. 28 He who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with [t]one who has need. 29 Let no [u]unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification [v]according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. 30 Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, [w]by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven [x]you.
Ephesians 5.
6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. 7 Therefore do not be partakers with them; 8 for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light 9 (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth), 10 [f]trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. 11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even [g]expose them; 12 for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret. 13 But all things become visible when they are [h]exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light. 14 For this reason [i]it says,
5 [cq]Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, [cr]making the most of the opportunity. 6 Let your speech always be [cs]with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.
Sexual harassment, sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape.
1.
Jesus reached to women as people with great
potential for helping others to know God.
2.
Jesus protected women who were being unfairly
judged.
3.
Jesus pointed out that a woman whom others
looked down upon was a woman who had been forgiven and who therefore loved God
much.
4.
Jesus was supported in his mission to the world
by women.
5.
Jesus taught that love for God was the basis for
our love for the women in our lives.
6.
Jesus taught that people who don’t properly
provide the right things for their family, women and men, are living a life
that is worse than unbelievers.
7.
Jesus taught that when people claim to be
followers, but are worse than unbelievers in the way they treat women, they
bring great destruction to the community and the family.
I like what Beth Moore wrote on her blog, Living Proof
Ministries
Why consent isn’t all there is to it
As demoralizing as it has been to see the continual surfacing of one public figure after another accused of sexual misconduct, harassment, abuse, assault and, in various cases, rape, it also comes with a sigh of relief to many exhaling the words, “It’s about time.” Most women and, tragically, even many teenage girls were already well acquainted with the depth and breadth of a problem that desperately needed to be publicly exposed. I do not claim in this article to speak for every woman or girl who has been abused, assaulted or harassed but I’d like, if I could, to speak from what I have experienced, seen. heard and learned, not only as a victim but also as a servant to women for 35 years.I wish to make only one primary point in hopes that it will stick and to make it succinct enough for this article to be read in full. As solutions are being sought and these vital matters are being discussed, the word “consent” is, understandably and appropriately, the word in the forefront. The line to be drawn in the sand. While determining whether or not there has been consent may be enough for settling legalities and forming policies, it is unfortunately not enough to insure that an individual has not been victimized.
Countless women and girls (and boys) consent to sexual advances they do not welcome or want and that scar them for a lifetime. Or sometimes they consent to one thing and get something completely and disturbingly different. They do so for the same reason I did. They feel enormously pressured, extremely unprotected, overpowered and, at times, utterly powerless. I well remember feeling something akin to paralysis. The word “no” was not even in my vocabulary. The boundaries around my life were bulldozed early and by a bully, I might add, because, while not all bullies are sexual predators, all sexual predators are, in one way or another, bullies. There was no manual within my reach about how to rebuild those crumbled boundaries.
I did, however, learn as God raised me up in strength and dignity and restored me. He accomplished these works through making me a student of His Word and of His gracious ways and through godly counsel and by making me a woman of fiery faith and ferocious prayer and confidence in Christ. All of these are unabashed graces of God and to His glory alone. Part of my work has been to help facilitate that process for others and it remains one of the greatest privileges of my life.
And here is one of the most important concepts I can teach them: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO TO UNWANTED SEXUAL ADVANCES. EXERCISE IT. Not a meek little whispery wispy “uh uh” but a full volume, confident, steel-strong “NO.” It’s not too late, no matter how old you are.
Parents, your part here is titanic. As you raise your children and teach them about the boundaries they get to draw around their lives, train them up with the confidence to use one of the most vital words in their entire vocabulary. And also teach them about how we can feel so pressured and overpowered, we feel like we can’t say no and how we can muster up the courage to get that reluctant term to bounce out of our mouths. This part is really really important: if and when you learn that harmful sexual advances were made on your child or loved one then come to find out there was “consent,” do not automatically assume consent is synonymous with welcome. Whatever you do, do not shame them. Help them. There won’t be a do-over on your initial reactions to their detrimental sexual experience. It will be hard for them to talk about so try to read what they are telling you by their behaviors and create a safe environment for them to communicate. Believe them as they slowly open up to you about what happened and show compassion and strength and facilitate whatever further help they may need. If there was legitimate welcome and consent, for crying out loud, still love your child and work through the complications. Don’t withhold physical affection from them like they’ve become a pariah unless they, for a while, don’t want you to touch them. Assure them over and over how loved and valued they are and teach them the life-giving concept of grace. You’re the adult. Don’t make your child parent you.
I wish tools like understanding (and expecting) pressures to give consent and like learning how to exercise the right to say no would solve everything. While these tools can have a strong impact in situations of harassment and less forceful unwanted sexual advances, they are often little to no help in a rape or assault. If you or someone you love suffer (or have suffered) such a torrential crime, please know there is help out there. There is healing to be had in Christ and much esteem, dignity and strength to be regained in Him. Boundaries can indeed be rebuilt around your life healthily that do not become a prison to your heart, perpetuating your pain and isolation.
I’ll conclude with this. Five minutes of stunningly selfish sexual pleasure can cost a victim a lifetime of suffering. Little can be more demoralizing and infuriating than the shoulder shrugging of victimizers and their sympathizers. “It wasn’t that bad.” Sometimes all we who have been victimized have left to say are the words of Christ from the cross. “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And sometimes that can be enough because, make no mistake. Nothing is more empowering than calling wrongdoing wrong, calling yourself loved of God and valued and, by the power invested in you as His child, forgiving those who don’t have a clue how much they hurt you.
Let’s keep this truth ever before us in these days of ever-surfacing evil: God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. God has no dark side.
Here are some principles in Scripture that apply to this topic I think from Jesus and other places in Scripture:
Don’t even look lustfully at a woman. Don’t objectify women.
Matthew 5.
27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; 28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye makes you [w]stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you [x]to lose one of the parts of your body, [y]than for your whole body to be thrown into [z]hell. 30 If your right hand makes you [aa]stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you [ab]to lose one of the parts of your body, [ac]than for your whole body to go into [ad]hell.
Job 31.
“I have made a covenant with my eyes; How then could I gaze at a virgin?
There is a power differential in older influencing younger.
There is a power differential in bosses and subordinates.
There is a power differential in those desperate to keep their jobs.
There is a certain work ethic that Jesus is training his disciples for
Matthew 24.
42 “Therefore be on the alert, for you do not know which day your Lord is coming. 43 But [af]be sure of this, that if the head of the house had known at what time of the night the thief was coming, he would have been on the alert and would not have allowed his house to be [ag]broken into. 44 For this reason you also must be ready; for the Son of Man is coming at an hour when you do not think He will.
45 “Who then is the faithful and sensible slave whom his [ah]master put in charge of his household to give them their food at the proper time? 46 Blessed is that slave whom his [ai]master finds so doing when he comes. 47 Truly I say to you that he will put him in charge of all his possessions. 48 But if that evil slave says in his heart, ‘My [aj]master [ak]is not coming for a long time,’ 49 and begins to beat his fellow slaves and eat and drink with drunkards; 50 the [al]master of that slave will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour which he does not know, 51 and will [am]cut him in pieces and [an]assign him a place with the hypocrites; in that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Seen also in
1 Timothy 6.
6 All
who are under the yoke as slaves are to regard their own masters as worthy of
all honor so that the name of God and our doctrine will not be [a]spoken against. 2 Those
who have believers as their masters must not be disrespectful to them because
they are brethren, but must serve them all the more, because those who [b]partake of the benefit are believers and
beloved. Teach and [c]preach these principles.
Ephesians 4.17 So this I say, and affirm together with the Lord, that you walk no longer just as the Gentiles also walk, in the futility of their mind, 18 being darkened in their understanding, [m]excluded from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the hardness of their heart; 19 and they, having become callous, have given themselves over to sensuality [n]for the practice of every kind of impurity with greediness. 20 But you did not learn [o]Christ in this way, 21 if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, 22 that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old [p]self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, 23 and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and put on the new [q]self, which [r]in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.
25 Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. 26 Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and do not give the devil [s]an opportunity. 28 He who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with [t]one who has need. 29 Let no [u]unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification [v]according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. 30 Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, [w]by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven [x]you.
Ephesians 5.
5 Therefore
be imitators of God, as beloved children; 2 and
walk in love, just as Christ also loved [a]you and gave Himself up for us, an offering
and a sacrifice to God [b]as a fragrant aroma.
3 But immorality [c]or any impurity or greed must not even be
named among you, as is proper among [d]saints; 4 and
there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are
not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. 5 For
this you know with certainty, that no [e]immoral or impure person or covetous man,
who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. 7 Therefore do not be partakers with them; 8 for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light 9 (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth), 10 [f]trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. 11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even [g]expose them; 12 for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret. 13 But all things become visible when they are [h]exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light. 14 For this reason [i]it says,
“Awake, sleeper,
And arise from the dead,
And Christ will shine on you.”
15 Therefore [j]be careful how you walk, not as unwise men
but as wise, 16 [k]making the most of your time, because the
days are evil. 17 So then do not be
foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And
do not get drunk with wine, [l]for that is dissipation, but be filled with
the Spirit, 19 speaking to [m]one another in psalms and hymns and
spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; 20 always giving thanks for all things in the name
of our Lord Jesus Christ to [n]God, even the Father; 21 [o]and be subject to one another in the [p]fear of Christ.And arise from the dead,
And Christ will shine on you.”
Colossians 3.
12 So, as those who have been chosen of
God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility,
gentleness and [ca]patience; 13 bearing
with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against
anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. 14 Beyond all these things put on love, which
is [cb]the perfect bond of unity. 15 Let the peace of Christ [cc]rule in your hearts, to which [cd]indeed you were called in one body; and [ce]be thankful. 16 Let
the word of [cf]Christ richly dwell within you, [cg]with all wisdom teaching and admonishing [ch]one another with psalms and hymns and
spiritual songs, singing [ci]with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
17 Whatever you do in word or deed, do
all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.Family Relations
18 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. 20 Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing [cj]to the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.
Col. 4.
4 Masters,
grant to your slaves justice and fairness, knowing that you too have a Master
in heaven.
2 Devote yourselves
to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving;
3 praying at the same
time for us as well, that God will open up to us a door for the word, so that
we may speak forth the mystery of Christ, for which I have also been imprisoned;
4 that I may make it
clear in the way I ought to speak.5 [cq]Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, [cr]making the most of the opportunity. 6 Let your speech always be [cs]with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.
1 Thessalonians 4.
4 Finally
then, brethren, we request and exhort you in the Lord Jesus, that as you
received from us instruction as to how you ought to [ao]walk and please God (just as you actually
do [ap]walk), that you excel still more. 2 For you know what
commandments we gave you [aq]by the authority of the Lord Jesus.
3 For this is the will
of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from [ar]sexual immorality; 4 that each of you know how
to [as]possess his own [at]vessel in sanctification and honor,
5 not in [au]lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do
not know God; 6 and
that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord
is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and
solemnly warned you. 7 For God has not called us for the purpose of
impurity, but [av]in sanctification. 8 So, he who rejects this
is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you.
9 Now as to the love
of the brethren, you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you
yourselves are taught by God to love one another; 10 for indeed you do practice
it toward all the brethren who are in all Macedonia. But we urge you, brethren,
to excel still more, 11 and
to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life and attend to your own business
and work with your hands, just as we commanded you, 12 so that you will [aw]behave properly toward outsiders and [ax]not be in any need.'/%3E%3Cpath%20d='M16.0001%207.9996c0%204.418-3.5815%207.9996-7.9995%207.9996S.001%2012.4176.001%207.9996%203.5825%200%208.0006%200C12.4186%200%2016%203.5815%2016%207.9996Z'%20fill='url(%23paint1_radial_15251_63610)'/%3E%3Cpath%20d='M16.0001%207.9996c0%204.418-3.5815%207.9996-7.9995%207.9996S.001%2012.4176.001%207.9996%203.5825%200%208.0006%200C12.4186%200%2016%203.5815%2016%207.9996Z'%20fill='url(%23paint2_radial_15251_63610)'%20fill-opacity='.5'/%3E%3Cpath%20d='M7.3014%203.8662a.6974.6974%200%200%201%20.6974-.6977c.6742%200%201.2207.5465%201.2207%201.2206v1.7464a.101.101%200%200%200%20.101.101h1.7953c.992%200%201.7232.9273%201.4917%201.892l-.4572%201.9047a2.301%202.301%200%200%201-2.2374%201.764H6.9185a.5752.5752%200%200%201-.5752-.5752V7.7384c0-.4168.097-.8278.2834-1.2005l.2856-.5712a3.6878%203.6878%200%200%200%20.3893-1.6509l-.0002-.4496ZM4.367%207a.767.767%200%200%200-.7669.767v3.2598a.767.767%200%200%200%20.767.767h.767a.3835.3835%200%200%200%20.3835-.3835V7.3835A.3835.3835%200%200%200%205.134%207h-.767Z'%20fill='%23fff'/%3E%3Cdefs%3E%3CradialGradient%20id='paint1_radial_15251_63610'%20cx='0'%20cy='0'%20r='1'%20gradientUnits='userSpaceOnUse'%20gradientTransform='rotate(90%20.0005%208)%20scale(7.99958)'%3E%3Cstop%20offset='.5618'%20stop-color='%230866FF'%20stop-opacity='0'/%3E%3Cstop%20offset='1'%20stop-color='%230866FF'%20stop-opacity='.1'/%3E%3C/radialGradient%3E%3CradialGradient%20id='paint2_radial_15251_63610'%20cx='0'%20cy='0'%20r='1'%20gradientUnits='userSpaceOnUse'%20gradientTransform='rotate(45%20-4.5257%2010.9237)%20scale(10.1818)'%3E%3Cstop%20offset='.3143'%20stop-color='%2302ADFC'/%3E%3Cstop%20offset='1'%20stop-color='%2302ADFC'%20stop-opacity='0'/%3E%3C/radialGradient%3E%3ClinearGradient%20id='paint0_linear_15251_63610'%20x1='2.3989'%20y1='2.3999'%20x2='13.5983'%20y2='13.5993'%20gradientUnits='userSpaceOnUse'%3E%3Cstop%20stop-color='%2302ADFC'/%3E%3Cstop%20offset='.5'%20stop-color='%230866FF'/%3E%3Cstop%20offset='1'%20stop-color='%232B7EFF'/%3E%3C/linearGradient%3E%3C/defs%3E%3C/svg%3E)
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